I just keep hoping my heart is going to explode.
I miss my cats. Im such an asshole i fucking lost them. Well i gave driveby away to a good home. But my little black kitten got lost/ran away the last time i got arrested. She is microchipped but if anybody has her they havent taken her to the vet yet. Ugh. FUCK! I MISS THEM!. I started school in February. Its just a transistioning program to get me used to a college schedual. I am looking to study social work. I want to help the future generation who are going to be majorly fucked up. Or become a childrens aid worker or something. I keep hearing how messed up the cas workers are and how they just like to ruin peoples lives and steal their children away so im pretty much thinking im going to get a job there and not act like that and only take children away if its absolutely necessary. Like yes if you barely have enough money to look after yourself for the month then i will look into your situation and only reccomend your child goes into care if the parent is really struggling to pay rent and bills and buy food. And even then i will do my best not to remove the child from the home if their needs are being met. Bed. Clean clothes. Weather appropriate shoes. If the child is clean and if the enviroment is clean and liveable. As well as i am completely satisfied that the children are not being abused in anyway. I will take appropriate action if need be.Parents who are addicted to drugs need to get clean and stay that way for a year or more and interact with their children through supervised visits while they work on their addiction problems. Counselling individually as well as a family will be crucial to helping the family communicate with each other. I really have no clue though as i am only in my first year of college and not even studying children and youth services yet. But i just have a shit load of lived experience and common sence. It makes sence to me. I am in counselling for myself right now. I completed 4 months of Anger Management back in April. I have a long way to go still but i am slowly inching my way towards becoming very succesfull. I have learned so much about life just from living and i still have so much to learn. I never want to stop learning. I want to help if i can help. I just want to make sure people are being treated the way they deserve because i know what its like to feel like no1 cares. I know what its like to be frustrated with life so bad that ya dont want to live it anymore. I know what its like to survive a suicide attempt and not have the energy to do anything about it but sleep er off and keep it to yourself. I know what its like to be taken advantage of. I know what its like not being able to say NO. I know what its like to be in self destruction mode and what its like to ignore the outcomes even when the consequences are right in your face and your just like fuckkk it. I know what its like to be in love with 2 abusive men at the same time. I know what its like to have 2 abortions and the most recent of them not really being my choice i was just vulnerable because i was afraid of raising a child on my own so i got an abortion because my ex bf wanted me to have 1 or else he wouldnt be involved in my life. I feel fucking HORRIBLE about it. I would of had a little baby back at the end of april instead of a lot of anger. I disgust myself. I feel bad. /: I should of followed my instincts about it and known better when he was talking to another bitch before and after i had the abortion. He left we for her while i was in jail. My only friend who cared enough to come and see me told me a few days before i got out and i was like WTF! I was so angry when i got out and it was true. I wanted to slit someones throat. Mainly his. But i managed to bitterly get passed it and went and registered for school and been trying to take care of myself. Trying to be nicer to myself. Trying to look forward to a future. But then for some reason i cant forget about the other guy i was with for 2 and a half years. I cheated on him with my alcoholic ex. It was stupid because i had never been happier when i met this guy. I stopped drinking. I only smoked weed. I lost a lot of weight. I was very clingy though. I wanted to be with him all the time when We were together. For some reason i just felt like a better person around him. Then i met his family and everything and i just went crazy. I was obsessed with this guy i still sort of am. Im more aware of the abusive shit he would do to me now but still. I feel jealous when i look him up on facebook. I just recently did.he was holding a baby in his profile pic. The whole time he was with me he was never going to have children so I think he was probly holding one of his nephews. But i was just like nfw!!. I dont know why i still care. Dont know why i miss him. I honestly think it was how i felt around him. I felt sexy/never hungry. He taught me how to deal drugs. He was a mod/punk and the sexiest guy i ever dated. We broke up 3 years ago. We dont talk because he just ignores me. He changed his phone number and he has obviously gotten on with his life and so have i in my own way but he has this hold on me. Like im waiting for him to come back but i know thats never going to happen because i went psycho and ran my mouth like one while we were breaking up. I tried contacting his foster sister who he fucked several times behind my back. His new gf and the other bitch he was hiding from me i stole her numbet out of his phone while he was in the shower 1 morning. She just sounded like a clueless bitch. But apparently she was in university? To become a mental health worker. And he decided to tell her about my mental illneses and so she tells him that apparently 1 out of 10 people witb borderline personality disorder actually kill themselves. Well yay? I am not sorry i havent killed myself over his dumb ass. Why should i? Id rather just do soomething fantastic with my life. While he dies. Cuz he has had HEP-C Since he was 27. He is turning 39 in sept. And the last thing i heard surrounding his health was that he was going in for a biopsy on his liver to see what level its functioning at. I am so lucky i never caught hep. From him. Ugh. Fuck thinking about all this right now. Im going to lay down. I hope i can clear my thoughts out.